Since starting this blog, I've had countless conversations with friends and acquaintances about their illnesses. Some have epilepsy too, some migraines, others have talked to me about health problems that I don't feel comfortable mentioning. There is something so liberating about talking with someone about our suffering. So why is it that we can't discuss physical, mental, and emotional illness freely?
I didn't want to I denied that there was anything really wrong with me, even after I started medication. I didn't want to tell anyone or change my lifestyle. When I felt tired, I would "shake it off" and push myself each day. I wouldn't eat for hours when I was busy, and on the weekends I would stay out until I wanted to. I would take my meds every day and not think about what I was actually taking.
I had auras at school and realized I had to tell my students. Could you imagine? Teaching 16 year olds and collapsing in the middle of class into a grand mal seizure? I told them, and they freaked out, but it was liberating to tell someone about it. And my coworkers were so understanding.
I still felt (and sometimes still do feel) embarrassed to tell my friends I can't go out because I'm tired, or that I can't stay at work for an important event because I need to eat. Like I'm weak or a complainer for blaming my inactivity on feeling a little tired or hungry. What's my problem? Can't I just get over it? It's my fault that I have seizures. Doctors may say they don't know what causes them, but I do. I made bad lifestyle choices and now I'll just have to deal with them. Suck it up and live your life.
Those feelings are ridiculous to have, I know now. I have F-ing seizures, there are limits to what I can do. But it doesn't change the fact that I sometimes feel like I'm being judged for going to a bar and drinking water, or sitting on my couch all day on a Saturday. I decided to reach out to a few of my family members and friends and talk about it. Conversations like these have helped me stop blaming myself for having seizures and move on down the road of feeling better.
Over the years, I've come to accept that I need to make lifestyle changes. I try to make sure I get enough sleep (with varying success), eat every 4 hours, and let go of some control in the classroom. Still working on that one :) I know there are more changes I have to make, and talking with people about these feelings is SO helpful. Why can't we all have discussions like this? Is there a stigma about illness, where people judge each other and think everyone is to blame for whatever their diagnosis may be? Or maybe it's difficult to have discussions about our feelings from behind a computer screen.
Don't be fooled, writing an entry like this is actually kind of difficult, talking about feelings and such. But I feel it's important to tell you that it IS important to have conversations like this with your friends. Talk about your illness, take care of yourself, and know that you don't have to deal with your feelings on your own.
i am into the whole energy.emotion science of illness. Worst illness I had in my life was when my body and emotional self were going in two different directions. I think as children we are taught to ignore some of our feelings and tough it out...and a whole society now works as a machine rather than back away when "it doesn't feel right". Sick days are seen as gifts. Pills are given out before anyone asks how you are...on an emotional layer.People numb themselves rather than feel. I will say that it is a battle to fight for good health when so many companies (junk food-to medicine) advertise and profit for us to take the easy way out from some serious emotional investments in ourselves. We take away the pain of the headache before asking why it exists in the first place. I was told I would have to take medicine my whole life but through a steady yoga practice...I was able to do without. I would not recommend this to everyone. Another problem is that teenagers can be put on so many meds from acne drugs and so on...which just leads to adults and seniors who will look for a pill before physical/emotional exercise. i think you bring up an important topic.
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY agree with you. Initially, my family and I thought about the possibility of birth control causing my seizures, and recently one of my friends that has seizures had a discussion with her doctor about that possibility. It didn't feel right. I then over the period of two or three years noticed that the hangover I get after drinking excessive amounts feels like a total stressor on my brain, and it's harder for me to function throughout the week. Even after significantly cutting down on the amount and frequency of alcohol I drink, I was still having dizzy episodes. It wasn't until after 4 years of therapy that I realized these spells could be connected to my emotional state too. There was a trend: when I would experience significant emotional turbulence in an close, personal relationship, I would have spells more frequently. Your emotional life is JUST AS important as your physical life because they are intrinsically connected. Thank you for sharing Siobhan, I love your post.
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